Momming in the Mayhem

I wrote this recently well over a month after my miscarriage when I was in a super emotional state. I was in a tough place after still dealing with some physical ailments/happenings due to the pregnancy and miscarriage. I felt angry that my body was still experiencing the effects of delivery/pregnancy with no baby to hold. I was overwhelmed by the grief and pain that were resurfacing after feeling in a better place. So this poem came to be.

             A Month into Mourning 

You would think that it might just be ending  
That it’s surely been long enough for mending 

But again it comes back to me knocking 
Like a bully who won’t stop the mocking 

Grief, resentment, jealousy, and rage 
Once again take main roles on my life’s stage

The two new pregnancy announcements so happily shared
The times where I wished my baby too could have been spared

Going to see the mom due the same day I should have been 
Became just another grief stricken sob fest again 

And then there are the more constant reminders  
The body I live in that won’t give me a breather 

New excruciating shoulder pain with joints popping out
Probably due to the relaxin that’s good for nothing now

The fact that my body hasn’t had a new cycle yet
But the hormones surely aren’t helping with the upset 

So I had to go back to the place where my heart shattered 
To go make sure that in my body nothing was the matter 

Turns out my body still has signs of delivery 
Even though in my arms there is no baby

My HCG also turned out to be higher 
If it doesn’t go back down I’ll have to go back to the fire 

The place and the procedure that singed my soul
This time to make sure nothing is left is the goal

Haven’t I had enough of this shit?!
My heart and my mind can’t take anymore of it

Why can’t it all just leave and go away
Why do I have to live this heartache day after day? 

I thought I was better, I thought I was healed
But I realize that with grief that’s never the deal 

It’s going to hit sometimes out of the blue 
When you think you made progress and already grew

Oh honey the growing will never come to a stop
And as hard as it is you will have days that will flop 

But remember what the painful growing can create
New knowledge to support others who suffer the same fate 

A heart that turns toward Jesus in the midst of the pain
And a shift of mindset to learn to dance in the rain