Momming in the Mayhem

      Little Baby B


7 months it took to finally find you 

The faint double line told me it was true


Anxiety started the very next day 

When another double line seemed to be fading away


Deciding to put my worries aside for a while

I put my hope in the multiple tests that said there was a child 


The weeks went on and no period came 

Symptoms from my first seemed to be the same 


Then came the dreaded sickness I remembered

The hope and knowledge of 2nd trimester was now what I treasured 


Nauseous and not myself all day for weeks on end 

I couldn’t wait for my sickness to finally mend 


Only a couple more weeks I thought in my head

Until I feel like myself and the days I won’t dread


Then came the first appointment to see you little one 

I had no idea of all that was about to come undone


Nervous walking into the office, surprisingly not very excited 

Maybe God was preparing me for the pain that was about to be ignited 


Just seconds it took for the tech to decide 

That instead we had to try to find you inside 


The moment I knew she had trouble finding you 

Everything inside me wanted it not to be true 


“Your weeks are definitely off” she said with no hesitation 

As if we had been wrong when giving our information


You measured as if you were almost a month behind 

But you had a strong heartbeat and movement she did find


I knew deep down that something was wrong 

The dates of everything just did not go along 


Sitting in the waiting room for our follow up appointment 

My entire being was being rocked by this shocking disappointment 


Finally as we sat with the doctor in the uninviting room 

His worry about the dates confirmed the dreaded gloom 


His answers were honest, his words gentle and kind 

When he said it’s in God’s hands it slightly eased my mind 


I knew he was right and that we had to just wait 

To see what God decided about your sweet fate 


The doctor said he’d like to see us in a week 

To see if you had grown, the answer we must seek 


That week was the hardest and longest of my life 

My mind was filled with racing anxiety and strife 


Mother’s Day came and went filling my heart with emotion 

It was hard to find full joy in the day when my mind was in commotion 


Finally, the day had come to journey back to the space

Where everything we had hoped for had been misplaced 


I prayed hard for our favorite ultrasound tech

For the last one was not thoughtful, insensitive and blech 


There was the one I prayed for calling my name to come in

My heart was so glad for this already was a win


Again you were too small to see

She had to go in and see how you would be 


Only a few days it showed you had grown 

I still saw your little form from what was shown 


And then came the words we were dreading to hear

"I’m so sorry I can’t find the heartbeat my dear"


Immediately I broke down into a puddle of tears 

Coming true, one of my biggest of fears 


After a moment alone for daddy and I to talk  

Our favorite nurse met us in the hallway to walk 


She squeezed me with her compassion and love 

She was like our very own angel sent from above 


We got to the office where the doc met us there 

Another kind face to show us sensitivity and care 


He expressed his sympathy handling us so dear

And in our conversation I was so glad he was here 


We talked about God and His plans that may not be understood 

But agreed that after time we can see it’s all for our good 


The doc shared some of his own heartache and story 

And we talked about how all the hard can still reveal God’s glory 


My goodness, God knew what I needed on this day 

To see these three faces to help ease some of the pain away


Gratefulness is what overflows from my heart 

This piece of my story they will always be a sweet part 


The days ahead of us I knew would be tough 

The thought of breaking the news over and over was rough 


Maybe I shouldn’t have told so many I thought

But we also had an army praying for this battle we fought 


We sat in the car and sent a few texts 

I sobbed as I wrote, and then onto the next 


How is it that the deafening mom guilt already starts 

As soon as even just the idea of you is in our hearts 


Maybe it was that run or that bike ride or maybe it was stress

Maybe I ate something wrong or didn’t follow the rules the very best


Just another waiting game in the days to follow

As my body started the process, but was going so slow


I decided to take the meds the doctor prescribed 

It was such a hard choice to finally decide 


I wasn’t sure how long my body would take on its own 

And I just couldn’t think of it happening when I was alone 


For Ben would be gone in just another day 

I knew I had to get it done before he went away 


It happened much faster than I had been assuming

This traumatic part of the process in my head that had been looming


The pain was unreal, almost like laboring pains 

And along with it came the dreaded crimson red stains


It's as if my body was matching the ache of my soul

And now they both could together unite as a whole 


Finally almost out of the blue 

What the doctor described I think came true 


My body just felt a massive relief 

Although there would still be much more grief 


I decided to go see if the relief meant what I thought

Then out you came, my dear one who had bravely fought 


The feelings were weird and maybe a little numb 

Seeing my dream in the toilet was where we had come 


When I really think about it all it is crushing 

The idea that you are finally gone in one flushing 


Though there was relief that the worst parts were finally done 

I know every day I’m going to think of you dear one 


The days to follow would bring grief in waves

Every little trigger would make my heart cave


Each new abdominal ache, mood swing, each bright red drop 

Would again remind me of what just came to a stop


Three different pregnancy apps I had to go to 

To click I’ve had a loss to end the tracking of you


Thrown onto the pregnancy packet from the nurse 

Each piece of trash fell just making the aches worse 


Your big brother runs around no idea what’s going on

Not knowing that mommy and daddy’s dream is now gone 


You were a fighter for a bit we got to briefly see

But now I hope your soul is running wild and free


You are kept safe in the hands of the Lord

And our love for you will push us forward 


To dream once again of a precious little child

To join our little family and our son so wild 


God has bigger plans that we just can’t yet see

But I believe we’ll be stronger, thanks to you our little Baby B